No Longer Resisting

I said it almost as a joke in our Speakers Tribe leadership chat tonight. "Well at least I'm no longer resisting and I'm still around the tribe. Guess I can call that progress." 🤔

I even added the thinking emoji, because honestly — I wasn't sure whether to laugh or marvel at myself.

Progress.

Is that what this is?🤔

Three months ago, Elias started speaking to me about an administrator role at PSANZ. He asked if I knew someone. I hesitated — and in that hesitation, he looked at me and said there was only one person he knew and trusted, and she was sitting right in front of him.

Me.

I was flabbergasted.

I can't even begin to describe what went through my heart and mind in that moment. I'd been carrying something much heavier than uncertainty. I'd wrestled through feelings of rejection, abandonment, and worthlessness for a year. Even though I cognitively understood that replacing me with a virtual assistant had made financial sense — cheaper, practical, logical — my wounded heart had quietly come to believe something else entirely. It whispered that I'd done something wrong. That I wasn't good enough. That being let go was somehow my fault.

Wounds have a way of writing their own narrative, don't they. We believe them — especially the ones that sound like they might be true.

PSANZ is for speakers focused on earning money through speaking, and that's reflected in the membership tiers. A weird place for me to land, because professional speaking has never been on my radar. Apparently, Elias doesn't quite agree — he said it would be a great opportunity to further my growth and exposure for me.

Then Prajesh said he doesn't agree with me either.

Something in me quietly shifted.

He sees something too. And Elias didn't just see it — he named it, out loud, two years ago, when he said he saw me travelling to nations. He's been waiting for me to receive it ever since.

Today, I officially started in that role. Today, I began finding my feet.

Tonight, as I look back over the journey — from the sting of being replaced, to the wrestle, to the hesitation, to this — I find myself sitting with something that feels a lot like wonder.

God didn't just redeem the story.

He rewrote the ending I'd already accepted as final.

I'm not resisting anymore. I've just done my first TENx keynote — that's not just progress, that's a breakthrough! I haven't arrived anywhere — I want to be honest about that. I'm still finding my feet, still letting the question of what all this means breathe around me.

I'm just... no longer pushing back.

Still around the tribe.
Still in the room.

Perhaps that's exactly where God wants me right now.
Not fully in.
Not out.

Just open.
Open is a beginning.
Open is enough.