Prudence

I received an email, in my work mailbox that was addressed to Prue, a name I hadn't heard, mentioned or wish I can say thought of in about 28 years.

Coincidentally that's the name of my then 40-year old spinster office manager, who was very angry because I was pregnant 6 weeks into my new job because during my interview, I admitted we weren't planning having children yet. But then I found out I was pregnant right after getting back from unpaid leave for a wedding in Cape Town. One week later I left the office unattended due to being hospitalised for 3 days because of an ectopic pregnancy, whilst she & the Regional Manager attended the RGM. Oh boy did I ever hear the end of that. How dare I have ended up in hospital when I was to man the office!

Subsequent to losing my baby, I was told to "get over it because 6 weeks pregnant wasn't even pregnant". That's when my high functioning depression started to crack. I ended up on anti-depressants & the more I tried to be perfect & not make mistakes the more I set myself up for failure. One day Clive found me crying on the floor when he got home & phoned her. Fatal mistake, things got even worse for me after that. I thought I'd dealt with the "I can't make mistakes." vow but here's another root to it that needs to be axed. And this could possibly be where "imposter syndrome" was solidified.

So much so, that 7 months later she insisted the boss start disciplinary action upon which Clive instructed me to resign because, by then I was pregnant with Jesse & he wasn't going to allow the work stress to endanger my pregnancy.

Fortunately my boss accepted my resignation & was kind enough to send me home immediately with full pay for the rest of the month.

This "get over it" attitude from many was the reason why I never announced a pregnancy again until well after 12 weeks gestation & hence 3 more miscarriages have been buried so deep & unannounced. For decades nobody knew anything about  my loss & grief.

Once again, Holy Spirit has brought something up to the surface so we can lay the axe to the root. Time for the digger to get to my sinful responses, Bitter-Root Judgments, Expectancies, Inner Vows & lies I've come to believe through this experience.

I'm grateful for my tribe who have my back through intercession whilst I work through this.