Celebrating LIFE

Last night, 4 years ago I was listening to a sermon by Sarah Jakes Roberts. I can't even say I remember what she preached but during her closing prayer I felt the Lord lift the heaviness off my chest & for the first time in my life, I didn't cry myself to sleep on my birthday.

A bruised reed He will not break, And smoking flax He will not quench, Till He sends forth justice to victory;

Matthew 12:20 NKJV

The enemy still comes knocking...

Today I thank the Lord, for carrying me through another trigger season. November was off to a bad start with my uncle's passing & triggering all my unresolved losses. Then I got triggered into oblivion again 2 nights before Christmas with an innocent question "What's your first Christmas memory". My first Christmas memory is also the last time I saw my grandparents just before I turned 10 when we visited Germany. Hearing other's happy stories has always been a painful reminder of what I've lost & what home & family should have been like. We often assume Christmas is merry & bright for all but for so many it's the hardest time.

This time I was struggling way more than I'd like to admit & I found myself not just crying myself to sleep at night but also fighting back the tears during the day & finding myself thinking "I hate Christmas". Having renounced my vow, not to cry again, I have lost my ability to suppress my tears & feelings like I used to although that's a good thing to acknowledge & deal with them. God willing, I'm aiming to get to the root of this annual November to January trigger season.

With assistance of my Elijah House tribe sister, Wendy, I tracked the wound to the sudden loss off everything dear & familiar when we migrated to South Africa at 5 years old. I still need to track & deal with my judgements, expectations & inner vows. I am praying for breakthrough so this will be the last year of waging this war against tears & heaviness through the Christmas season. The enemy has been served his eviction notice. NO more trigger seasons!

This week I celebrate 4 years of renewed life in Christ, overcoming depression & all the healing & restoration the Lord has done in mine & my family's lives.